So I'm at my Grandpa's house tonight. Kinda bored. Found his little blood pressure machine and decided it would be fun to check my blood pressure. It's 135/72 with a pulse rate of 43. Am I dead? I'm not really that active, why does my heart beat so damn slow? Also the 135/72 thing doesn't settle too well with me. 72 is fine, 135 is pretty damn high though for a pretty regular build guy who isn't terrible out of shape. Then I found this other thing called pulse pressure. Supposedly you subtract the numbers and anything above 60 is pretty bad 135-72=63. Though one of the causes of this is hypothyroidism. I'm fairly convinced I have hypothyroidism. Now if only I had medical insurance I could go get it checked and be all medicated and stuff. I checked again a minute later and it was 120/80 with a pulse rate of 45. This is cool, pretty standard I guess. Oh well, I probably shouldn't worry myself over such dumb things.
So I basically managed to alienate myself from all 3 girls I was dating over the course of the last 2 weeks.
Girl 1: There was this girl from high school who'd I'd kind of started to develop a liking for. We'd been on two dates, one of which lasted quite a while and I was convinced she was attracted to me, then two days later she changed her facebook status to being in a relationship. Hmm, this slightly bothered me. About a week later she posted some pictures of her and this new boy and in my completely unbiased opinion if I were to rank him on a scale of 0-10 with Gary Busey being a 0 and Brad Pitt being a 10 I'd give the guy about a 2. When you're only marginally better looking than Scary Busey that's bad. This kind of bothers me too. Like, I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I'm fairly attractive. I'd say if you're into thin guys I'd be an 8 or 9. If you're not into thin guys I'm probably still a 5 or 6. So what the hell? Am I annoying? Do I talk to much? Did I not try hard enough? I suppose I could ask her, but I don't want to be all 10th grade about it. We went on two dates, I'm really not that bothered. Besides, she was divorced (yuck.)
Girl 2: About 2 days later I went to my ex's house to watch The Matrix. She'll read this so I won't put too many details into this, but basically we kind of came to the conclusion that we shouldn't be around each other much this summer since we tend to get into trouble. First of all this sucks, because I rather enjoy this "trouble" and secondly I rather enjoy her company and could see myself spending a lot of time with her, she's great. I hate that Mormon culture makes having a normal more-than-friends-relationship with a girl in this God-forsaken state so impossible.
Girl 3: Two nights later we had a get-together in Bountiful with some friends and a friend of mine who I've dated off and on for a while came. Anyway, somehow we ended up kissing and without even doing anything that would be considered dirty by Mormon standards we had to stop because she felt bad. I was so confused. We weren't doing anything "bad," we weren't going to do anything "bad" and she's fairly single as far as I know so... what the hell is wrong with girls in Utah?
Oh well, I'll stay friends with them.. except girl 1, she legitimately pissed me off. Besides we weren't that tight to begin with. Probably could've been, won't ever find out now. Oh well, I guess in a sense I was playing her, but not with the intention of getting a girlfriend any time soon. I don't mind people dating other people, that's normal, but had she said, "Hey by the way, sorta dating this other dude - it's clearly going somewhere fast." I wouldn't have wasted an entire Saturday and $30 on her.
Anyway, I guess I'll go back to my normal summer activities. Seeing friends very occasionally, dating almost never, working and playing too much Sim City 4.
It's funny how things change. Had this happened to me 5 years ago I'd be all depressed and torn up over it and now it's like I've had so many stupid scenarios with women that I care so little. I suppose after being cheated on by Nichole and having Shelly try to convince me that I raped her because I somehow knew that when she was saying yes what she really meant was no makes things like Kelley dating an ugly boy over me and Trisha not being able to see me for a couple months seem like nothing.
While I'm on the subject of girls, this time last year I was in Los Angeles probably asleep next to Rachel. That seems like so much longer ago than one year. I kinda miss her. Not necessarily her specifically, but I miss a girl who saw me as a good and moral person. She thought I was so clean and so respectful of her. I honestly think she's the only girl who thought that of me. Kinda wish her and I still spoke. Not to mention I wouldn't mind taking a road trip out to Los Angeles right about now. It was so fun living in a little house with just a girl and I making breakfast, lunch and dinner together and going out shopping together then reading or playing together and falling asleep in each others arms, even if just for a week. I bet that's what being married is like... also for about a week.
What if we could rewind life and do things differently? Sometimes I wonder, had I gone right to college at 18 I'd have been graduated by 23 and could have moved to Los Angeles with her that summer. Wonder what life would have been like then? What if I would have just had sex with her? I think I may regret not doing that for many years, but when I get those thoughts I like to think of Captain Picard saying, "There are many parts of my youth that I'm not proud of. There were... loose threads - untidy parts of me that I would like to remove. But when I pulled on one of those threads - it'd unravel the tapestry of my life." I wonder what life experiences in the last year I would have missed out on. At this point I really can't see any, but I'm sure they exist. I made a lot of good friends last year. How many of them will I keep though? Over the summer the only college friends I've even so much as had a phone call with are James, Emily, Matt, Trisha and Rachel (Trisha's roommate, not California Rachel.) Matt just called to ask something about utilities and Rachel I only see by way of Trisha.
I sometimes fear life. What if I don't amount to anything? Sure I'll get my B.S. in less than a year, but what good is that if I never put it to use? All it becomes is a waste of $20,000 and 4 years of my life. What if I never marry? I'll be alone for 60 more years. What if I never have kids? My mom never had other kids so she'll never have grandkids. I feel like my life is moving so slowly and there is nothing I can do about it because I'm stuck. I'm stuck in my career (which hasn't yet begun) because I can't get a real job without a diploma. I'm stuck when it comes to a family because when I meet someone I legitimately want I can't have her unless I pretend to believe something which no matter how hard I try I can't bring myself to believe because it's so obviously wrong on some subjects and I'm stuck in Utah for at least another year (maybe 3 if I do a masters) because it's all I can afford.
This is making me depressed, I'm going to sleep before I become as unhappy as I was 5 years ago.
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