Conspiracy theories are absurd.

I was mindlessly surfing the web a couple days ago and I came across a blog that was talking about how the music industry was controlled by the Illuminati. For those of you who don't hate conspiracy theorists, the Illuminati is some secret society of important people that was founded in 1776 and they held meetings in the German state Bavaria where they talked about how to overthrow corrupt European governments. Somehow, according to idiot conspiracy theorists, this society still exists today in 2010 and works to overthrow society as we know it and set in motion a New World Order. Not a cool New World Order with guys like Sting and Hulk Hogan, but an evil one with dictators and complete society control. Now this alleged Illuminati apparently finds music stars like Lady Gaga and Kanye West and pays them to write music about promiscuity and use occult symbolism to brainwash todays generation into becoming mindless slaves of this new world order.

How the nut jobs claim this works I'm not exactly clear on. Something to the effect of if we watch Lady Gaga make hand motions that look like an Egyptian Goddesses eye makeup and then she has an orgy in her music video we're all going to worship Egyptian Deity's, have orgies and mindlessly follow whatever the music says to do and that our generation is the one that is screwed. This, despite the fact that they also claim this same Illuminati is the same society that made the Beatles famous and had them put secret backwards messages in their music, but only when you warped it just right and would variate the speed at certain points so that it sounded like what you were looking for it to sound like and that these messages would ruin a previous generation. This is good science. When something doesn't fit with the point I'm trying to get across I simply change the way I test it until it does fit the results I want it to. No, I'm serious, it was the only way I got through chemistry lab. "Hmm... 16 g/mol? Well I know it's not oxygen that I centrifuged out of this because it would become gas and this is clearly solid so I'll double it and say it's sulfur then do the calculations from there." What? The class was straight regurgitation and I got an A.

So anyway, the people who believe in Illuminati are as good at life as I am at chemistry lab, which isn't very good.

Now when our generation becomes brainwashed by Kanye West and Lada Niva, Lady Gaga, other Illuminati leaders like Barack Obama, George Bush, Yasser Arafat (who in all likelihood would never have any involvement with American political leaders) and Spiderman will proceed to guide us to following a single world government under which we are like the Borg from Star Trek. You know, this single world government thing (despite how ridiculous it sounds) doesn't sound half bad. No wars, no third-world-countries, no trade restrictions. Hell, if we can get a billion Hindu's, a billion Atheists, a billion Muslims half a billion Buddhists and 2 billion Christians to agree on any one thing let these Illuminati people work their magic.

Fortunately I am immune. I listen to alternative and punk rock and they don't follow the standards set by the evil music industry. They sing against mainstream society and therefore the Illuminati don't approach them with vast amounts of money to make them famous which is why it's alternative. In fact, here is my counter-conspiracy-theory. In the early 90's Illuminati saw that Nirvana was becoming popular among young people and singing about sex and drugs yet was not using the Illuminati devil horn sign of "rock on" used by mainstream rock bands. (seriously, google it, you can't find Cobain making devil horn signs) so Courtney Love, known member of the Illuminati took him out. Cobain was a martyr in the fight against the NWO.

You should probably pretend you didn't read that last paragraph as I'm obviously making it all up.

Another one I really like is that the moon landing was in some studio. This is because solar wind, cosmic rays, not enough time delay between replies and because there are no stars in the images. Well right, solar wind and cosmic rays are a problem because the astronauts were up there in shorts and t-shirts with scuba masks for air. Then the stars should have been there because it's always night time in space, because it's space and space is night. These people are morons. They didn't have 80lb space suits on or anything for protection and we didn't land on the LIGHT side of the moon where the sun and Earth radiate vast amounts light and cameras were set for daylight exposure since they were on the moon in broad daylight. Try this, go sit in a super bright room and see if you can see stars outside or try taking a picture at night with the flash on. See if you can see any stars.

Then the time delay, on the edited documentary tapes does not represent the actual real-time which was two seconds, as expected. That time delay one is just stupid too. Let's pretend for a minute that Apollo 11 was faked. They pulled off this amazing million dollar scheme which fooled the entire world, but when it came time to record moon-shots they forgot to delay their responses 2 seconds, yeahhhhh right. That would be like an NBA star preparing nearly his entire life to be a basketball player and then forgetting the goal is to get the orange ball in the hoop you're attacking and keep it out of the hoop you're defending.

Then of course there are the Hubble shots of the moon landing sites, the 400,000 employees of the Apollo programs and the fact that the Soviet's of the 1960's, who hated the American's, acknowledged the Apollo missions and congratulated us on the accomplishments. If your arch-nemesis compliments you on something, what kind of idiot citizen does it take to refute events supported by two competing and unfriendly factions that the same event did in fact take place?

This is becoming a bit wordy, so in short - conspiracy theorists are stupid. If you believe in conspiracies, and you're actually still reading them, you should probably reevaluate your thoughts pretty heavily. Now I'm sure there are certain conspiracies that may hold a little weight, such as the one where diamonds are neither valuable nor precious stones, DeBeers simply controls the market and sets the price at whatever stupid American's will pay for them. But Illuminati controlling the popular media, political figures and putting flouride in your water to make you easier to control? Hahahaha, we do live among some easily impressionable people.

Yes, great argument. Trace amounts of fluoride in water should be banned because healthy teeth are just a way for the Illuminati to control you and make you die younger. Then we have NASA faking the Apollo missions to gain a moral victory over the Soviet's and crashing our own planes into our own towers so we could start a war. If you believe any of these you need to quit watching Fox News and reading tabloid smut magazines. Yes, I just lumped Fox News and tabloid smut together. Fox News is bestowed this honor for their claims that Mr. Rogers is evil, therefore it should be regarded as highly (or lowly) as Weekly World News and Globe. The source for all your trashy made-up entertainment news. Seriously, if we're going to consider Mr. Rogers evil, then let's consider Bat Boy and Bigfoot to be real!

Oh and my friend informed me that she had to be mentioned in my blog, so Data > Spock & Picard > Kirk. Happy nerd pride day everyone.