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Monday, September 5, 2011

Quarter Life Crisis

So I think I'm having a quarter life crisis. The circumstances are all about right. I just finished what was arguably the funnest phase of my life, college, and I'm moving into that I'm an adult phase somewhat against my will. Sure I still live at home, but I have a career and an adult car now. I go work in downtown Salt lake for a very good pay rate and drive a sedan. Sure the car might have a turbo and be faster than a new Camaro, but it's still a sedan.

I don't really know what to do at this point. I feel like all my young friends that I want to be around are still in Logan, because they are, then all my old married friends that I don't particularly like spending a great amount of time with are near, but we have nothing in common, besides a love of board and video games, and they can never go out anyway.

I suppose logically Utah dictates the next step in life for me is to get married and have a family. Then I can move to the suburbs and live a boring life with boring neighbors in eternal misery. But like, who do I marry? You don't just go to the marriage store and pick out what you want. That's a complicated process of which I really just don't know where to start.

Today the girl I'm dating, Kelley, called and asked if she could come over and I was like, sure! Let's go enjoy the last day of summer. For some reason Labor Day (or Memorial Day, I always forget what today is) just feels like the last day of summer to me. The weather was gloomy, it looked like Seattle on a good day, and we got sandwiches and went for a drive. After not really finding anywhere worth stopping to eat we kinda just stopped in front of some cows, because cows are awesome.

She started out asking me if I ever wanted to get married. I wasn't sure if she meant to her, or just in general, so I kinda just said yes. I want to get married. As addressed before that is probably the next major step I need to take in life. Then about 10 minutes later she was saying I wasn't emotionally committed enough to the relationship for her to keep interest. I was tempted to argue it with her. I feel that anyone who has given reasonable effort into knowing me would realize that I'm actually quite emotional. Hell, I write about how I'm feeling in a public blog. Imagine when you can get out of me if you ask the right questions and act interested in what I feel. Rather than argue this with her, I kept mostly quiet for a while just probing her thoughts. Then after a while it occurred to me that honestly what two of my best friends had been telling me was right. I shouldn't have been dating her. I was just doing it for the sake of dating someone. I hate when other people know me better than I know myself.

That's horrible of me. Kelley is a nice girl, beautiful in a very plain way, non-judgmental and usually entertaining enough, but just not really what I'm looking for in a long-term attachment in terms of excitement and ambition. I imagine she felt similar about me. I had no reason to try and end things hastily as honestly, I was happy for the most part. Having just moved home from college I'm rather bored and it was nice having someone to go out with and spend free time with and snuggle with when I needed affection, but that's nothing to base a relationship off of. It was dumb of me to try. Eventually I admitted most of this to her and we agreed that we should be just friends, which honestly I'm not even sold on that. I have friends. I don't need yet another ex-girlfriend to hang out with. I've got plenty of those. But given the opportunity I'd go say hello to her.

Afterward my old roommate told me that I should have cried out, "Why God, WHY?!" when she told me I wasn't emotional enough, and that was a funny mental image. Haha. I probably should have, would have made for a great story, but honestly after thinking about it critically for 30 minutes or so I realized there really was no reason to continue. I was basically just spending money on someone that I already knew would someday be someone else's wife... again. Though rational thinking isn't nearly as funny as screaming emotionally because I'm not emotional enough, haha. Anyway, long story made short the "girl I'm dating" is no longer the girl I'm dating (which is a good thing) so that makes the having a family part even more complicated.

So what does one do when they are done with their undergraduate degree, found a fantastic entry level job, and has no idea what to do next? I suppose I should just wait, but what am I waiting for? There is no need for me to save money for a house as to be honest, I love Salt Lake, but I don't see Salt Lake as being my permanent home. I can live with my mom as long as I need (or can stand to, we get along much better when we don't live together). I kind of just feel like my life is at a halt for a while until some opportunity presents itself since as of right now I don't even know where to begin looking for an opportunity, other than maybe graduate school, but it's too soon for that. I just had my undergraduate degree posted on my transcript about 10 days ago.

Sigh life, as soon as you start fooling me into thinking you're all perfectly laid out and simple I realize that things are not as they seem. You're like Aggie football, as soon as it looks like there is no way you can lose, you somehow manage to lose. I feel like I just have no control over the circumstances I am in since I don't know what I should even do next. It's.. frustrating. Almost as frustrating as helplessly watching the Aggies blow a 10 point lead, on the road, to the national champions.

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