Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The douchiest blog entry ever.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm mostly kidding and trying just to make you smile. Don't hate me if you actually listen to dubstep... actually no, if you listen to dubstep go ahead and hate me, I don't care. Really though, don't hate me. Even if you drive a lowered civic, have a flat brim hat and love rap-core you might still be a pretty cool person. Just a lot of your peers are not :-)

So.. my blog.. earlier today I was driving around in my WRX, wearing a collared shirt and listening to Nickelback. I realized that I had hit the pinnacle of douchiness and posted about it on my facebook. To this I got about 15 likes, seriously. Then I realized that maybe my friends do think I'm a douche. In all likelihood I probably am sometimes. I do make generalizations about basically everything and occasionally say something rude just because it makes me smile. So to this point I'm going to write a 0-10 scale of 20-something douche-baggery based on what you drive, what you're wearing and what you're listening to, which you can use to judge just how much of a douche you are. This will be a nice product of me being a douche based on how douchy I appeared earlier today based on my car/attire/music. My reasoning is circular. Who cares, I'm being a jerk. We begin at the bottom.

1. Ford Fusion, plain colored t-shirt, The Beatles
Pretty much as chill as a person can be. Not drawing any attention to themselves. Likes their standard sized car and listening to something that literally everyone likes.

2. small pickup truck, Carhartts, radio is off/country
So you're probably headed to work, that's cool. I don't really like country, but most people who listen to the stuff are pretty cool. However, because I dislike your music, I hope your radio is off. Blue-collar is the way to be though.

3. Focus/Corolla, graphic t-shirt, Oasis/Kansas
Just because you're a 3, don't think this is bad. The small fun sedan is a pretty normal car to be driving. Your graphic shirt is probably awesome and people like that. Your older rock that you're listening to is liked by mostly everyone, just not quite as widely as The Beatles.

Now most people in their 20's I would say fall pretty steadily between a 1-3. You could really switch up any of those numbers and it wouldn't matter. If your douche level is between a 1-3, pretty much everyone likes you. Up above here though is where you might start rubbing certain people the wrong way, but don't worry - up until about #7 you're still mostly a likable person, sometimes people just prefer you in small doses.

4. old jalopy, converse, Arcade Fire
Hipsters are actually pretty big douches when they have to prove to everyone just how much of a hipster they are. However you also have to take into account the large number of people who just kind of naturally act this way because they don't care. They drive an old car and wear old shoes because they don't need new ones and listen to Arcade Fire because other music is too angry. These people are cool. It's just the ones that try so hard that ruin it for them. However they typically drive a Prius.

5. Your parents old Lexus, Hollister, Bowling for Soup
The old Lexus probably should go higher, as anyone in their 20's driving their parents old luxury sedan is probably a huge brat, however being a brat is different than being a douche. Brats are generally just spoiled and jerks because they are stupid. Douches are jerks because it makes them happy to be. Anyway, good job on advertising a store from the mall and listening to music that you liked when you were 14. Now please grow up a little.

6. WRX/BMW 3-series, tight collared shirt, Nickelback
This is me, I fall right about here. I had to spend a few extra thousand dollars on having a turbo in my sedan for really no reason other than "it's cool." Then I wear a collared shirt so people go "Oh look at him. He dresses successfully and drives a successful car." when all I'm really feeling is "I need to compensate for how much of a failure I feel like I am." Then honestly I kind of like Nickelback, but everyone tells me they are douchy, so I'm just going to roll with it.

7. Camaro/Mustang, wife beater shirt, Whitesnake
The muscle car vs. sport compact was a tough one for me, but what it came down to was the accessory. Sure, wearing a collared shirt is bad, especially if it has a name brand on it like the Hollister seagull, but it really fades in comparison to the wife beater shirt. I mean really, how often do you ever meet someone wearing a wife beater who you just think, "Man, what a thoughtful and considerate person." I know for me it is far less than a person wearing a collared shirt. I mean c'mon, those are the same people who eat ketchup on their steak and well.. beat their wives. Douches.

8. Escalade with 20" rims, $200 sunglasses-at night, Ludacris
This is kind of like #6, but taken to a whole new level. First of all driving a $50,000 SUV that can't go offroad because the tires are so thin they won't flex kind of defeats the purpose of having an SUV in the first place, douche. Next what compelled you to spend $200 on glasses that are no different than a pair of $20 glasses? It's not the style because the imitation ones look great. You did it simply for the name brand, douche. Hardcore rap really isn't that douchy, but it kind of goes with the stereotype here.

9. lifted truck, flat brim cap, ICP
A flat brim cap with a sticker proving how badass you are does nothing except prove that you probably have anger issues, douche. I'm sure most of your anger issues stem from the fact that your rap-core is all angry and about breaking stuff. Then to show how truly bad ass you are, you take your already too large truck and have it lifted even higher so your headlights shine right down into the back window of any normal height car. I hope you tip over.

10. ricey Civic/Eclipse, bandana, dubstep/drum n bass
Dubstep is by far the douchiest thing you can possibly listen to. The music is basically an onomatopoeia for the listener as when you hear it coming from someones car all you hear is pounding bass sound of "douche-douche-douche." In fact I think that the lifted truck/flat brim cap combo alone is probably douchier than the lowered civic/bandana combo, but because I can't imagine someone in a lifted truck ever listening to dubstep, it gets bumped down to 9, because dubstep is just that douchey. Then on top of this the ricey civic is pretty douchy itself. You put a noisy exhaust on it so everyone can hear you coming from both your exhaust and your pounding subs. Then you lower it for on-street use, despite the fact that you never auto-x it and now you have to go through every street at an angle and slow down to 2mph because if you don't your ugly body kit will fall off.

Now sure sometimes you might be driving your Focus and listening to Nickelback while wearing a Hollister shirt. In this case you must take an average. You would fall at roughly a 4.7/10 on the douche scale. Today I was a solid 6. However had I put in some dubstep it would have bumped me up to a 7.3/10.

Now, rate yourself. Be honest. Don't hate me too much, I'm only speaking the (highly-exaggerated) truth.

1 comment:

  1. Honestly... I'm literally like a 2. Most days I do have a collar because I'm on my way to work, but it's at Home Depot... so it's blue collar. And then I listen to country and my car is a piece of crap small car. Am I wrong?