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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Pride

I dunno if it's pride, but I can't think of a better word for it.

I don't know how many people realize this about me, but I care way too much about what people around me think. I'd say if I were to rate my seven deadly sins from top to bottom, pride would be number one. For some reason I just think it's important to be dignified and respected. I don't know when exactly this started, but I would say sometime in the area of 2005-2007 as I can think back in the past about times when I couldn't care less what people thought of me. I would act pathetic if it achieved whatever it was that I wanted. Now there is no way I would. It's pretty bad. I suppose writing a blog about a weakness of mine is a step toward beating it, but I don't think it helps much.

So what is it I do that makes me prideful? Well I have a hard time asking for help. Yes, I realize all you femme-nazi's think this is just a male trait. It's not that. I don't have a hard time asking for directions to find some place I don't know the location of. It's more like things I feel I should be able to do I refuse to ask for help with. Geophysics for instance. I attend lecture every day and even read the textbook every so often. The class still is so confusing to me that defining it as over my head would be a stretch. That implies it comes near my head. This stuff is more like above the elevation of my head and offset by 20 meters to the left. Not once have I gone and asked my professor for help. I've emailed him a couple times, sure, but I can't get myself to go to his office when I'm confused. I even like the guy. He knows me, I call him by his first name, we say hi if we see each other on campus. I just don't want him thinking I don't understand his class, which believe me, I don't.

Another aspect I see this prevalent in is dating. The reason I never ask girls out is probably slightly because I'm shy with girls, but I think it has a lot more to do with the fact that it puts me in position for possible rejection. I won't let someone think they're rejecting me. In nearly all of my recent relationships I've ended things, and when Rachel broke up with me I acted like I didn't give a fuck. I pretty much told her it was cool and I was over her already. Knowing that she would take some time to get over me and having her think that I was over it already made me feel as if I was the one ending the relationship and she was getting the crappy end of the deal. I truly had myself convinced of it too. Almost a year later I realize wow, I should have tried to keep her. Though that is a stupid thought because it would have possibly ended in her legitimately rejecting me and a relationship between an outdoors loving, fairly spiritual Christian, Utah native who only eats red meat when it's inconvenient not to and an arthritic religion hating atheist, New..Hampshire..ian..?, who would rather starve than eat fish wouldn't have worked.

Also this pride rolls over into my sex life. I feel empowered when I reject a girl for sex. I feel like I'm breaking stereotype and being different and they'll remember being told no by me, so that makes me important. Sure there's a side of me that really doesn't want to sex anyone 'til I marry or find someone super special, but let's be honest - if the girl is hot enough and wants me bad enough I really don't care THAT much, and I've definitely dated a couple of girls who were hot enough and wanted me enough. I think the empowerment of saying no is just about as influential on this aspect of my life as the waiting thing. Then again maybe it's just a sadistic thrill I get. Drive the girl wild, make her beg for sex and then deny her. Kinda hot really.

I guess it's not a terrible quality to have. I mean it forces me to better myself from time to time. When I was 20 I realized being a high school drop-out made me somewhat of a loser, I would lie to people about my GED to make myself feel better. That sucked so I fixed it and now I don't have to lie, I think it makes me awesome. I'm slightly self-conscious about my body and up until the last couple years had a hard time letting people see me shirtless (I'm really bony and white), but since then I've tried to fatten up and I've gained about 15 lbs and it looks better. I mean of the seven sins I think if I had to pick one to be my worst that would be it. Envy, wrath, sloth, greed, gluttony and lust all suck worse in my opinion. Well I dunno - wrath would be pretty bad ass if it turned me into Liam Neeson from Taken.

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