Monday, November 22, 2010

I Stand Alone

What I was listening to the Godsmack song, I Stand Alone. Sounded like a good title..

Throughout high school and the first couple of years afterward I had a pretty close group of friends. Andrew, Eric, Joe and myself pretty much did everything together. We had fun, we were pretty tight. Sure there were boring nights and there were times when I got sick of them, but as a whole they're the best group of friends I've ever had. We kind of began to split ways in 2008. I moved to Logan. Eric got married. Joe and Andrew simply got caught up in life. The four of us almost never hang out anymore.

Eric and Andrew are both (happily?) married and Trisha just sent me a text message telling me that Joe proposed to his girlfriend. That's awesome, it's been far too long and I'm happy for him. Come this summer I'll be the only one of us still single. That's cool, I like the single life for the most part. More time to do what I want, more money to spend on myself, more girls to do what I want with... come this summer I'll also be the only one of us with a college degree and it'll be a 4 year science degree from a tier 1 university! This is me looking at the bright side of things.

In reality I feel like I must be doing something wrong. I've had plenty of girls I've discussed marriage with. Trisha, Rachel, Shelly, Nichole... Rachel and I even discussed it quite seriously. She wanted me to quit school at USU, move in with her and finish my degree at CSUN. I suppose Trisha and I were pretty serious too, but it's clearly never amounted to much. I've dated a lot, I've kissed over 30 girls and had some sort of mutual attachment to about 15 of those, whether you call a relationship or whatever, I don't care, some of them were never girlfriends, but we shared a mutual attachment. So why no luck for me then? Is it by choice? Sort of, if I wanted to change myself I could have married Rachel or Trisha, I'm sure, but I like who I am. I don't want to change myself just yet. They should have simply accepted me how I am rather than wanting me to put out or be Mormon. Though by asking them to accept me I'm asking them to change themselves too.

From what I can tell when people get married, they have to change themselves. They have to sacrifice things that are important to them to satisfy things important to their significant other. I've had friends here who used to be just as avid Aggie sports fans as I am that no longer come to any of the games. My friends at home and I used to have game nights at least once a month, we've not had one since July. Some of my friends, like a roommate I had last year, simply disappear altogether after marriage. I see him on campus, but he just doesn't even look or act like the same person. I guess to a lot of people this is an acceptable sacrifice to make. I'm sure I'll make it someday, I guess I've just not yet met the girl I'd be willing to give things up for.

I don't understand why two of my friends rushed so headlong into marriage. It seemed like they couldn't wait to get away from the misery that single life caused them. I used to feel this way and I'll be honest, sometimes I still do feel this way. I'd love to meet the girl of my dreams and have a wonderful fun relationship that just builds on itself day after day until we get married and have a happy marriage complete with a couple kids a dog and a nice house. It's the hopeless romantic in me. I'd love for that to happen starting tomorrow, but the chances of that are slim to none. One must be willing to make sacrifices in order for marriage to work. I suppose I've just not been willing to make these sacrifices yet.

Though at the young age of 24 should I feel any pressure to? I've experienced a lot. I've had one night stands, long term relationships that ended in a firey ball of hell, I've become an ultimate Aggie, been on a random roadtrip to another state to see someone I'd never met, been to countless Aggie basketball games, met thousands of people, stayed up late playing video games with roommates, stayed up late playing video games with girlfriends, slept in til 2pm with girls I never even think about anymore, played night games, had bonfires, eaten out with friends, finished 4 years of college, become an undergraduate teaching fellow, staked mining claims for Kennecott, stayed out of debt, learned to snowboard, learned all kinds of academia that I never thought I would, killed zombies, been camping with groups of people all over the state, stayed up all night watching Olympic basketball, played on an ultimate frisbee team, broken a bed with someone who wasn't even my girlfriend and countless other things that I would have never done had I tied myself down so early.

Would I trade these experiences for a few more years of marriage? Nah. Not yet.

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